Real Love

"A meeting between two beings who complete one another, who are made for each other, borders already, in my opinion, on a miracle." -Adolf Hitler

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. I'm amazed by the sheer power of love. How love can mold and define who we are. I'm a selfish lover. I want him to look at him, talk to me, love me. Only.

tbc when I can get all my thoughts together

Jealousy rears it's ugly head

I've been spoiled in the past. I have experienced the joy of complete trust and security. To talk about our feelings on a daily basis so that there is no confusion, and to be treated like the only girl in his whole world that mattered.

Now I must deal with my greatest flaw. A defect that shatters my otherwise laid-back personality. It is a character flaw that will ultimately lead to my downfall if left unchecked and uncontrolled. A flaw most girls are subject to. You know what I'm talking about, jealousy. I perceive jealousy as being emotionally immature. I know that my jealousy is unjustified and petty. My imagination works overtime to create stories of infidelity and violations of trust. People have always said to me, "trust him until he gives you a reason not too". It's a phrase I've constantly battled with. This distrust and suspicion stems from my childhood. My parents' marital troubles have made me anxious and fearful of my own future love life. But having witnessed the consequences of their actions I vowed not to permit myself to follow in their footsteps. I will not allow the repercussions of my parent's failed marriage to effect my happiness. I'll try my hardest to love my boyfriend to the best of my ability and beyond. His happiness, our happiness, is important to me.

LOST: Have you seen him?

I've seem to have lost sight of him.
the perfect gentleman
a captain save-a-me
swooping down
flashing his brilliant cape
ridding my world of troubles and contrition

Through all the heartaches and pains
the perpetual roller coasters of ups and downs
I've wanted to lock my heart into a safe and throw away the key
Tie my heart to a rock and let it sink to the bottom
To be found by one brave soul
like treasure that has long since been buried
never seeing the light of day or love.

But through all the bitter ends and tribulations
I've come to realize, an epiphany, of what matters most.
Every breakup is a learning experience.

I have learned that the only person i can trust
is the person who is writing this blog entry.
I can only rely on myself to walk home.
there is no shoulder to lean on when I stumble
when I fall the only helping hand is my own

pushing my body off the ground
I stand up on my own legs,
the strongest foundation is my own two feet
I've paved the way forward
because life always goes on.
I've learned that nobody is going to hand me love on a silver platter
I dont need you to love me.
Because I love myself and thats the only person that really matters.

Show me a genuine honest gentleman
and ill show you an open mind and an open heart

Audrey Kawasaki

Audrey Kawasaki is one of my favorite artists recently. Her paintings are breathtaking. It is my wish to someday own an original piece to adorn my wall. Audrey's subjects are women with doll-like faces, a tiny nose with small pink lips and bedroom eyes. As I gaze into the faces of the women she paints into wood panels there is something eerily ethereal about them with an air of melancholy. The texture of the natural wood grain gives it a calming effect. Her work are contradictions, innocent yet seductive. The women depicted in her work are captivating, pulling you into an enigmatic world. I can't help but wonder what's behind those sad brown eyes? Wondering if she is depicting the reflection of my own.

Hopeless Romantic

"I hear you whispering songs to yourself, softly forming the words that make me melt" - Quiet Comforts an original song by worldismarble. Check out her song and her channel on youtube.

From what I can perceive about love, it isn't ironclad, its constantly changing and evolving, yet not limited to any shape or form. It starts with just a glimpse, and my palpitating heart beats madly in correlation to the growing affection. To the point where my love is palpable. Radiating warmth to be felt by my beloved. In the beginning my feelings are in a state of frenzy, the butterflies that travel from the core of my stomach to my fingertips spreading to every inch of my skin. It feels as though all of the cells in my body are doing cartwheels, overjoyed to have found the man who makes my heart swell. Then in due time it settles to a blissful content state, swirling with the joint fusion of his and mine, to create ours, a single entity.

If I ever feel better

When I started this blog, I initially wanted to stray away from negative thoughts that were clouding my xanga. This blog was meant to house my uplifting, eclectic thoughts, hopes and dreams. But I seem to be on a perpetual roller coaster of ups and downs. My mood swings from one end of the spectrum to the other. My emotions are comparative to a pendulum, swinging back and forth influenced by everything around me. To know me, to understand me, is to take the good and the bad. I created this facade in my mind, to fool myself into believing that if I put up this happy front I could conceal the dark haunting thoughts that blurred my eyes, mind and soul. In retrospect I realized that eventually my blogs always lead to a more personal route. A path heading into an unknown direction whisked by the winds of my choices. I embrace myself in open arms, comforting my bleeding heart for the decisions I have made of late. For they have been quick, foolhardy, and misguided. But I vow to change to be a better person. Like a butterfly hatching from a cocoon, so must a beautiful person hatch from my cold hard outer covering. I reiterate as I have said in countless blogs before that I'm making a fresh start. I want to tap into the full potential of this blog. It will serve as witness to the journey my soul has made, to the soothing of my troubling mind, to the birth of a heart anew, and the transformation of a socially inept, shy and influenced girl. I entitled this entry "If I Ever Feel Better", based on the song by Phoenix.

There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...
If I ever feel better

Growing Pains

Doing the dishes is when I do my best thinking haha

I was on the phone today with a dear friend, discussing my love life. (or lack thereof! otherwise I don't think I'd spend quite so many hours into the night talking to him. Not that I don't enjoy our conversations because I do! I treasure them : ) right here in my heart <3> (are you reading this? haha) friend he is said "kim, what's wrong with what you just said? you don't need to change who you are." I realized as I was doing the dishes, that magically piled up when I wasn't looking, that I didn't explain what I was really trying to convey. In my mind I worked out exactly what I meant while scrubbing food off a pan. Multi-tasking at its best!

I don't want to change who I am. I have a good set of morals and values. I would no sooner change my personality than live in a cardboard box. When I said "change" I meant growth, development, and progress. As people we all grow into who we are over time. We learn from our experiences, make new discoveries, find out which cuts and fabrics fit our body type best. I'm not changing who I am, just adding a few tricks up my sleeves. As a person there are a lot of areas that I need to develop. Everyone has flaws, I just somehow accumulated all of them. Over time I realized I should come with a warning. Right smack dab on my forehead in neon colors: HIGH-MAINTANENCE BITCH. I'm lazy, whiny, never like to get my hands dirty, hold a grudge for all eternity, I always know who to point the finger at, clingy, emotional wreck, overly jealous, and to top it all off a large heaping of neurosis

BUT those are the things about myself that I'm trying to overcome. Before I can even entertain the thought of being in a relationship I first need to go through some (a lot) obstacles. As for the tricks that I'm going to pull out of my hat, I want to learn to cook, pick up the flute again, get dance lessons, fencing, tennis, draw, learn how to give a massage, become witty, artsy, independent, fashionable, to overall become an all around girl : )