If I ever feel better

When I started this blog, I initially wanted to stray away from negative thoughts that were clouding my xanga. This blog was meant to house my uplifting, eclectic thoughts, hopes and dreams. But I seem to be on a perpetual roller coaster of ups and downs. My mood swings from one end of the spectrum to the other. My emotions are comparative to a pendulum, swinging back and forth influenced by everything around me. To know me, to understand me, is to take the good and the bad. I created this facade in my mind, to fool myself into believing that if I put up this happy front I could conceal the dark haunting thoughts that blurred my eyes, mind and soul. In retrospect I realized that eventually my blogs always lead to a more personal route. A path heading into an unknown direction whisked by the winds of my choices. I embrace myself in open arms, comforting my bleeding heart for the decisions I have made of late. For they have been quick, foolhardy, and misguided. But I vow to change to be a better person. Like a butterfly hatching from a cocoon, so must a beautiful person hatch from my cold hard outer covering. I reiterate as I have said in countless blogs before that I'm making a fresh start. I want to tap into the full potential of this blog. It will serve as witness to the journey my soul has made, to the soothing of my troubling mind, to the birth of a heart anew, and the transformation of a socially inept, shy and influenced girl. I entitled this entry "If I Ever Feel Better", based on the song by Phoenix.

There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...
If I ever feel better

Growing Pains

Doing the dishes is when I do my best thinking haha

I was on the phone today with a dear friend, discussing my love life. (or lack thereof! otherwise I don't think I'd spend quite so many hours into the night talking to him. Not that I don't enjoy our conversations because I do! I treasure them : ) right here in my heart <3> (are you reading this? haha) friend he is said "kim, what's wrong with what you just said? you don't need to change who you are." I realized as I was doing the dishes, that magically piled up when I wasn't looking, that I didn't explain what I was really trying to convey. In my mind I worked out exactly what I meant while scrubbing food off a pan. Multi-tasking at its best!

I don't want to change who I am. I have a good set of morals and values. I would no sooner change my personality than live in a cardboard box. When I said "change" I meant growth, development, and progress. As people we all grow into who we are over time. We learn from our experiences, make new discoveries, find out which cuts and fabrics fit our body type best. I'm not changing who I am, just adding a few tricks up my sleeves. As a person there are a lot of areas that I need to develop. Everyone has flaws, I just somehow accumulated all of them. Over time I realized I should come with a warning. Right smack dab on my forehead in neon colors: HIGH-MAINTANENCE BITCH. I'm lazy, whiny, never like to get my hands dirty, hold a grudge for all eternity, I always know who to point the finger at, clingy, emotional wreck, overly jealous, and to top it all off a large heaping of neurosis

BUT those are the things about myself that I'm trying to overcome. Before I can even entertain the thought of being in a relationship I first need to go through some (a lot) obstacles. As for the tricks that I'm going to pull out of my hat, I want to learn to cook, pick up the flute again, get dance lessons, fencing, tennis, draw, learn how to give a massage, become witty, artsy, independent, fashionable, to overall become an all around girl : )