If I ever feel better

When I started this blog, I initially wanted to stray away from negative thoughts that were clouding my xanga. This blog was meant to house my uplifting, eclectic thoughts, hopes and dreams. But I seem to be on a perpetual roller coaster of ups and downs. My mood swings from one end of the spectrum to the other. My emotions are comparative to a pendulum, swinging back and forth influenced by everything around me. To know me, to understand me, is to take the good and the bad. I created this facade in my mind, to fool myself into believing that if I put up this happy front I could conceal the dark haunting thoughts that blurred my eyes, mind and soul. In retrospect I realized that eventually my blogs always lead to a more personal route. A path heading into an unknown direction whisked by the winds of my choices. I embrace myself in open arms, comforting my bleeding heart for the decisions I have made of late. For they have been quick, foolhardy, and misguided. But I vow to change to be a better person. Like a butterfly hatching from a cocoon, so must a beautiful person hatch from my cold hard outer covering. I reiterate as I have said in countless blogs before that I'm making a fresh start. I want to tap into the full potential of this blog. It will serve as witness to the journey my soul has made, to the soothing of my troubling mind, to the birth of a heart anew, and the transformation of a socially inept, shy and influenced girl. I entitled this entry "If I Ever Feel Better", based on the song by Phoenix.

There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...
If I ever feel better